You can't teach an old hater new truths.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.