My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.