If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.