If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.