If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'