I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

Are there glass shards in my anus?!

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.