I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.