Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh!

I'm a late-night guy.