There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice.

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.