There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.