I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

Are there glass shards in my anus?!

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.