I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.