I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.