I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!