European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Kids have *_____ never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

I can snap your spine like a toothpick.