The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material?

How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.