Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

Now, once again, we find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are we going to learn from the past? Are we finally going to get serious about energy conservation? Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to do this. That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology, as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies, Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot. Once we have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid.

Murphy's golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.