Colin Montgomerie is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal.

Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.

Everybody knows pretty much everything about me. I emptied all the skeletons out of my closet a long time ago.

I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.

That's the trouble with Nick. The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet.

Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.

The course is so long, I had to take the curvature of the Earth into consideration.