With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

To be famous and broke is hard.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.