It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.