It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.