I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.

Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!

To be famous and broke is hard.

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!