I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.