Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."