You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.