You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.