I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.

I need to develop some patience - immediately.