A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.