I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.