I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.