I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.