I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.