After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.