I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.