This is a pie chart about procrastination.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.