I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.