Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.