Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.

I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.