'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'