'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.