You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.