If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.