If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.