Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.