If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.