If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.