I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.