The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.