The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

I like people, for a little while.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."