If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.