If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.