If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.