If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.