If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.