If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.