If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.