If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.