It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".