It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.