When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.