When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really mind sucking at something as long as I'm getting a little bit better at it along the way.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.