A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.