The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'