The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.