The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.