I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

To me, comedy is a game.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.