When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'
Demetri MartinI love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
Demetri MartinA pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.
Demetri MartinI got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'
Demetri Martin