I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'