I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.