A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I like people, for a little while.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.