A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'