A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.