Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.