Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.