I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.