I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".