I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.