I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

I've never read an article of clothing.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.