I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.