I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Demetri MartinThe planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
Demetri MartinWhenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
Demetri MartinI bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
Demetri Martin