Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.