Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.