Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"