Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.