Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.