THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.