THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.